Year 20.
When I think about it, all I can say is that I survived. 20 has been one of the toughest years of my entire life. So I’m taking some time this month to really reflect because this is the last full month of being 20.
I talk about me struggling a lot but I haven’t gone into detail about what’s been bothering me. Honestly, being open about it is something new to me. I’m used to dealing with things on my own and handling it by myself… well this year I realize that I can’t do everything on my own anymore. Sometimes I need help and that’s completely okay. Sometimes I need that guidance and advice to get rid of the stagnant energy. Sometimes I need that shoulder to cry on. This year itself made me realize how much love and support I really have. I’ve survived one of the toughest years of my life and I wouldn’t have gotten through it if it wasn’t for my people 🤞🏾
In November of 2020, I hosted my very first pop up shop at the Charlotte Open Air Market. I was running off two hours of sleep because I had been babysitting that morning prior and go off of work at 4/5am. That week was sooo busy. My family helped me label and make the body butters, my mom let me keep my products at her house since I was still living in my dorm. We were putting so much work in and the pop up shop was extremely successful. I met so many people, it was great energy, and I had an amazing time. The one thing about that pop up was that my uncle was there. He supported me through it all. He believed in me and knew I would be great. He wanted me to make him a body butter but I sold out of the scent he wanted so I told him I would make him one the next week. My pop up shop was that Saturday and on Monday, I got the news that he had passed away.
Its a feeling that I can’t get used to. A feeling of just distress and feeling lost. I remember not understanding life and where time had gone. I remember feeling angry and just not understanding why. I couldn’t focus in school, I couldn’t focus at all if we’re being completely honest. I was just depressed, trying to get through the day. Clean Beauty was the only thing that kept me going. Just creating and making new products.
After my first pop up, I decided to get an office to have all of my business in one place. BEST DECISION EVER! I was so scared but it was a leap of faith. I knew this would be the next step for me to try to figure out my purpose and keep moving. I wasn’t in school anymore so I took that time to just dedicate to my business. In December of 2020, I created the Glow Turmeric scrub which is now a Clean Beauty staple.
I went back to school the next semester (Spring 2021) which I’m thinking now was too soon. It was too much for me and I felt it. Grief is a different type of pain that I really cannot explain. It throws you off, it knocks you down, it really can mess you up but it’s up to you to figure out how to maneuver around it. You have so many unanswered questions and it’s just like.. where do I go from here? Like you really find out how real life is. And you start to cherish all the people around you and you start to look at your childhood differently and you start to see who you are and why you are the way you are. Grief is hard. So if you are grieving, you are not alone.
I ended up getting Bayah and dropping out of college for the 2nd time. This is when my life started to move. I was traveling, I was creating, I was living. I was manifesting too.. let’s not forget that. Let’s think of Spring 2021 as the foundation year. This was the semester that I created my foundation. I traveled, I worked on my business, I was a dog mom, I continue to braid, I was working on restocks and getting my name out there. I was doing a lot. I was going good… finally :)
In April, my grandmother passed away and my grandfather passed away. It’s a pain that I can’t even begin to explain. April was a month that I was trying to hold it together. Just keep going. I had went to Cabo and then I worked on my restock and launched it from San Francisco on my birthday. So I was just exhausted with life at this point. I didn’t understand it all 🤣 I’m just like what else do you want to take from me. The people that I love are leaving me and there’s nothing I can do about it but just exist. It was literally just me, Bayah, and Clean Beauty.
In May, I hosted my 1 year Pop Up Shop. It was quickly put together because I was still grieving my loved ones passings so Clean Beauty was honestly the last thing on my mind but my step mom told me to keep going. Keep posting and work on your business. I know times are tough and you want to quit but you have to keep going. But I’m glad I gave myself the time that I needed. Burnout is real and it’s never something I want to experience again. But the Pop Up was extremely successful! Thank you so much to LashDoll by Lex, Suga Gal Boutique, Just Gorgeous Braids, District Gold, Butterfly Magic, Nik Me Sweets, It’s Rachee, and Real Taste of Jamaica for joining me in this event. We had an amazing time, great energy, great vibes. I appreciate y’all so much because when life was getting dark for me, it was you all that helped me turn it around. And!!!! Let me shout-out my sister, Destiny because she is literally my rock. She helped me make products, she helped my packaged them and she helped me create the content for the restock. She was there for me through it all. She supports me, she tells me things that sometimes I don’t want to hear but I need to. My girl is solid 🤞🏾💓 I’m forever grateful for our friendship. There isn’t anything else like it. It’s irreplaceable.
Having a solid friend is important, having solid people in your life is important. It really can make or break you and I learned it the hard way. When you have people who support you and love you, you will see it, you will know.
I found myself in a toxic relationship and a toxic friendship. Just a bunch of hurt people hurting others. A feeling that I don’t want to go through ever in my life again. Here’s the lesson from that. Love is not pain. Love is not compromising your boundaries. your sexuality. Love is not accepting disrespect. Love is not your partner making you feel like complete trash. Friendship is not accepting the bare minimum. Friendship is being there for your friends through it all. There’s so many lessons that I can talk about but simply, life is not about accepting the bare minimum. Just in general. So, I picked up nails. I would do my friends manicures and pedicures in Elementary school so it only felt right to give it a chance.
so I’m the midst of me healing, I was trying to juggle school, work, nails and nail school, and hair and somewhat a new relationship.. who knows? TOO MUCH. 🤣
I really know how to fill up my plate but it was a way to keep myself busy and to keep progressing. I knew I had a goal. I had met with Steph with Baddie B to forget it out. Let me not forget about Steph!! GIRL, she is a real one 🤞🏾 The day I met Steph is the day my life changed. I started listening to her podcast in 2020 and I started BBU in June. The growth is there. She knows what she is talking about. I met with her for coaching last summer, this semester, and will be meeting with her this week to start planning some new stuff. Steph is a bad bitch!! I can’t imagine being on this journey with anyone else. ❤️❤️
2022 started off a little rocky but I’m back in school working on my marketing degree, my business is flourishing, I’m returning to nail school and life is just getting started. I have a circle of friends who love me and support me. I am living a life that I envisioned for myself last year. Year 20 was my year of love. Finding it within.
So now when I say Clean Beauty promotes self-care and self-love, you will understand what I’m talking about. It’s the journey that matters.
Love you guys! 💗
Lani 🦋
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